Tumblr is like an ongoing time capsule that records how fucking uncool you were once.
Sombrero Flocka hoists CapriSun. Similar occurrences have been observed, except they haven’t. “FLOCKA,” Flame said. “BRICKSQUAAAAA(unintelligible).”
Literally nothing don't waste your time reading it
I just picked up my Spark handbook and realized, yet again, why I love to write. It was a glorious moment in which I may have shed a single, hollow tear. Because you were wondering, this happened around 5:15 a.m. on an otherwise eventless night in sleepy Lincoln, Nebraska. Additionally, I’ve now watched at least two (2) historically-grounded films on the subject of Iran, and thus consider myself...
Just decent though. Nothing more.
Photographers are decent people.
Daily cliché #1 (there will probably never be...
Today, I watched The Pursuit of Happyness (for probably the hundredth time). Now, I am inspired. Changing my major to stock broker ASAP.
Prominent issues worth discussing.
Pictured: A metaphor. My thoughts right now are a whirlpool of free association, so here’s a list. 1. Jeremy Lin isn’t the Übermensch. Let’s stop acting like he is. Pride is good, unflagging worship is not, and will almost certainly lead to disappointment. It’s like when everyone was freaking out over Boris Diaw, excepting that Boris Diaw didn’t have a...
I think I learned how to write by listening to rap music. You don’t have to believe me.
Writing for a newspaper...
…is different. Honestly, I thought I’d be drowning in ennui by now. Not because I don’t like actual journalism, but rather, because I once thought objective reporting to be dead and/or an oppressive institution that only bred empty, cliché-laden volumes of nothing. Mostly, it is. But that doesn’t make my presumption any more valid (for the sake of this post, at least). ...
Newt Gingrich referred to spanish as “the language of the ghetto” once. That is all.
enunciating is hard sometimes.
Why Iowans Should Exist Today and Today Only
As the cosmopolitan sore thumb of middle America, I usually take it upon myself to harangue Iowans and other cultural inferiors for existing. After all, no state says “I’m not racist, I have a friend who’s black” quite like Iowa does. (Note: Might not be racist, but he hasn’t seen his black friend in years.) I’m talking the whitest hues (or Hughes) of all...
I know these self-indulgent musings have been rare since I left. For that, I apologize. Maybe this post will make up for that. But, to spare you the disappointment of finding that it doesn’t, don’t expect too much. Some things: 1. I’m a fairly motivated student now. Maybe it’s because all of you assholes were always keeping me down and these new college douchebags are...
“Have you ever written a story that was so bad…it was like ‘fuck, I wrote this?’” Yeah.
College isn’t as fulfilling as I thought it would be. That’s to say, there isn’t enough weed and alcohol and casual anonymous sex.* *no, no it isn’t. There is plenty of all of that. I guess I’m looking to reach intellectual heights that I’ll probably never reach. To be all upstanding and impressive at a time when my talents [or lack(s) thereof] are quickly...
started to write something of a column, didn't...
There’s something seriously wrong with me. It’s not my overt narcissism or my inability to grasp a mathematical concept without first enduring days of intensive plagiarism. Nor is it my helplessness when it comes to performing basic household functions as complex and physically debilitating as cooking ramen noodles in a 1000-watt microwave. I have my Asian floormate Brandon for all...
I’m not sure why I omitted those vowels. Maybe it’s part of that whole “web 3.0” movement my journalism book keeps talking about. Of course, attributing that to the growing influence of the internet would be so cynical old man of me. It makes me feel the need to refer to myself as just “a old Uncle Tom” or a “curmudgeon” or something. If I was...
Further Assailment of the Rich Man
Rich people are feral creatures. I know because I live among them. They’re all around, in my neighbors’ houses, in my other neighbors’ houses, in the house across the street, in the other house across the street. It’s an epidemic, it’s all the rage, especially ‘round these parts. These parts, of course, being the all-exclusive, restrictive,...
Robbed: The (Hopefully) Artful Retelling
12:30 a.m., Michigan Ave., Chicago, Illinois. (Vigorous gavel taps) The crowds have been reduced to small groups, incognizant, incoherent, waiting for the next phase of the never-ending bar crawl, the one that will end only when its drunken participants are incapable of trekking on. They were at the festival too, just a couple of hours ago. Like us, they jammed, they rocked to the musical...
This makes me want to be a socialist.
This is a new level of filth. This is Andy-Dufresne-covered-in-shit meets Ganges-River-bathing-level filth. Obviously there has always been a significant wealth gap between the races, but what’s displayed here is more than disconcerting. Yes, the median income for whites is skewed by the fact that a higher percentage of them qualify as “über rich,” but even so, the effects...
A Movement (of sorts)
I realized that I’ve never really explained the title of my blog. Needless to say, a title shouldn’t really need explaining. But really? Whoever said that probably experimented with inhalants more than once. So…yeah I’m explaining. Isn’t this my blog anyways? Get your own blog, you…you filthy misanthrope. I hate filthy people. Unfortunately for you (the...
The Deity's Performance...
“ A Public Policy Polling survey finds most Americans approve of the deity’s performance. Fifty-two percent of Americans say that if God exists, they approve of its performance.” Oslo, Norway…not so much. Also, on God’s most popular move being the creation of the universe, I am in the minority. Much more important was the creation of Lil B The Based God.
DEAR GOD, SAVE US ALL FROM THE WRATH OF AL FRANKEN, WHO NOT ONLY WRITES BOOKS, DRAWS MAPS FROM MEMORY AND WINS CONTROVERSIAL SENATE ELECTIONS, BUT ALSO READS AND COMPREHENDS DEFINITIONS TO THE CALIBER OF MOST HUMAN BEINGS NOT NAMED TOM MINNERY. But really, what a man.
Das Racist, Rupert Murdoch's Wife AND Kanye West?
There’s nothing a little Das Racist can’t fix. Semi-politically-charged hipster lore makes for some of the best joke rap. On that point, people who misinterpret Das Racist as joke rap and nothing else should probably stray from Das Racist in favor of something more Based-God-esque, like “Lil B The Based God.” But anyways, I just read something about something, felt...
This must be what people think of me.
But really, this is a picture of four of my favorite graduation gifts organized somewhat suggestively and photoshopped minimally to mask the awful, awful image quality and add some indie-rustic-folk flair. If your gift didn’t make the cut, well that’s probably because you suck and are a failure of Lil B-esque proportions. (S/O TO NUGEEN FOR HER CARD BEING SWEET.) ALSO,...
RAHM EMANUEL HATES AMERICA.
For a second earlier, I thought Chicago might be the least American city (not named Fallujah) in the world. It only took a couple of minutes of aimless exploring for me reach that conclusion. I walked inside a coffee shop, an internet cafe (why is that even a necessary establishment?) and a U.S Bank, the most American of banks, leaving all three disappointed to find nothing even slightly...
One Globe. Faraaz’s brainchild. Mine, Faraaz’s and @Motizzy’s project. Rep it. 1globestudios.tumblr.com https://www.facebook.com/pages/1Globe-Studios/213066372061966
TAKING BACK OUR COUNTRY.
It’s about time we admitted it. There’s a pack of evil wolves running the government. Even worse, they’re socialists. Even worse, they hate freedoms and civil liberties and your right to blow the brains out of any rebellious teenager who dares tamper with those garden lights you worked so tirelessly to have installed by your electrician. It’s true. A leftist...
Obligatory Barcelona Post (with prostitutes, so...
Do you ever get that gut feeling that the city you’re in is full of prostitutes? Barcelona is a city rife with whores. I wish I could find a few, stuff them into a burlap sack labeled “WHORES,” and bring them back to America to subject them to Zach Armstrong’s never-ending whore lore. Not only would it provide an endless supply of wine and cheese party jokes, it’d...
I haven’t really slept for two nights. Not because we’re in Spain getting hammered, touching bitches, clubbing and whatnot. (We are.) (We aren’t). No, I’ve just been afraid of falling the 10 feet from my bunkbed to my death. Or worse, falling the 10 feet from my bunkbed to a slow and painful death by way of profuse intracranial bleeding. Or worse, falling the 10 feet...
I slept next to an ape last night. He was pretty drunk, pretty loud and had gas. Oh, and he was Canadian. His snoring sounded like a motorcycle that never stopped accelerating. He fell out of the (bunk) bed around three last night and hit his head to cries of “OOF! OOF! ¿TE CAISTE? from Costra Rican hostelmate Pablo. I’m not sure if his name is actually Pablo, but for the sake of...
Let's Go, Vámanos! No, really we need to leave.
GET ME OUT OF THIS COUNTRY. Everybody seems to be, you know, calm, cool, collected, packed, prepared, perspirating*… *Denotes that the adjective provides an accurate description of the noun. Yeah, tension is high in the Siddiqui household at the moment. I’ll be blogging about this trip hopefully whenever I get a chance, so make sure you keep an eye out for my posts which will...
SOME JUNK ABOUT WEINER.
Anthony Weiner’s junk is full of regret. It’s humiliated, so much so that it talked about the scandal on record in an unprecedented CNN interview with token overzealous Latina reporter Soledad O’Brien (OH NO). It’s a shame they didn’t get Cooper on this. But really, CNN had to know that this headline was just hilarious. And in all seriousness, all of this Weiner...
Those Summer Nights
Are long. Not particularly extraordinary or spectacular, just long. Comparatively, weighed against their shorter, brisker, seasonal-depression inducing counterparts, I guess they’re alright. There’s probably nothing in the world I hate more than the collective term “SUMMER NIGHTS,” but as a whole, I guess those overhyped periods of darkness are marginally better than the...
Sarah Palin knows what I’m thinking. Aside from my insatiable, incessant craving for watermelon (IT’S REALLY HOT TODAY) and my desire for money, cars, bitches, all that, I’ve really been longing for something more. All summer I’ve found myself thinking “hmmm. I really-I REALLY WANT SOME GEORGE W. BUSH RIGHT NOW.” It’s like a Crawford, Texas native...
I’m going to Spain in a couple of weeks. I promise to post on here quite often. If you want, that is, respectable blog-peruser. Scratch that, I do what I want. Double scratch that, you intended to peruse this blog and I don’t respect you for that. Madrid, Valencia and Barcelona it is, I believe. With Faraaz (and Ahmer and Omar Khan). Because we’ve all graduated (or done...
5:35 A.M. Al Jazeera is validated.
I think I want to write for Al Jazeera one day. Aside from having nice calligraphy, they have a nifty website that carries relevant things, stuff that isn’t just about Mel Gibson being anti-semitic, or Norm Finklestein being anti-semitic or Nazis being anti-semitic. Once you put aside your suspicions of inherent antisemitism on Al Jazeera’s part, you’ll enjoy it. I MEAN, Al...